If any of these
describe you, you're a redneck!
You think that
potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
There is a
stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You consider a
six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality
fun redneck entertainment.
Fewer than half
of your cars run.
Your mother
doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before
telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
The primary
color of your car is "bondo".
You honestly
think that women are turned on by animal noises
and seductive tongue gestures.
You stand under
the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny
and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your family
tree doesn't fork.
Your wife's
hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has
been involved in a fistfight at a high school
sports event.
You've ever
barbecued Spam on the grill.
More than one
living relative is named after a southern civil
war general.
Your front
porch collapses and more than six dogs are
killed.
You've ever
used lard in bed.
Your home has
more miles on it than your car.
The best way to
keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
The neighbors
started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your
brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your only
condiment on the dining room table is the
economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires
on your car are at least twice as wide as the
front ones.
You consider
"Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently
display a gifts bought at Graceland.
You use the
term `over yonder' more than once a month.
The diploma
hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking
Institute".
Your mother
keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You've ever
worn a tube top to a wedding.
Your favorite
Christmas present was a painting on black
velvet.
You think that
Don Perignon is a Mafia leader.
The most
commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is
"What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
You think that
beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major
food groups.
You think that
Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You've ever
used a weed eater indoors.
You have a rag
for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You look upon a
family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.
You have to go
outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
Your richest
relative invites you over to his new home to
help him remove the wheels.
You've ever
financed a tattoo.
You go to your
family reunion to meet women.
Your idea of a
7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
You go to a
Tupperware party for a haircut.
You have spray
painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
You have more
than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your father
encourages you to quit school because Larry has
an opening on the lube rack.
You think a
Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You think that
the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention
of all time.
You've been too
drunk to fish.
You had to
remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
Your lifetime
goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to
see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your
Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
The directions
to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and
your wallet are both on chains.
You owe the
taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have lost
at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniel's
makes your list of "most admired people".
Your house
doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You have
started a petition to change the National Anthem
to "Georgia on My Mind".
You call your
boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider
your license plate personalized because your dad
made it in prison.
You have been
fired from a construction job because of your
appearance.
You need one
more hole punched in your card to get a freebie
at the House of Tattoos.
You need an
estimate from your barber before you get a
haircut.
After making
love you ask your date to roll down the window.
The biggest
fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear
to the 4-H Fair.
You have
flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your
front yard.
Someone in your
family says "Cum'n here an' lookit this afore I
flush it."
Your wife
weighs more then your refrigerator.
You mow your
lawn and find a car.
If going to the
bathroom in the middle of the night involves
putting on shoes a jacket and grabbing a
flashlight.
Your dog can't
watch you eat without gagging.
You have a
Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your
car.
You have a very
special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
You bought a
VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at
work.
Your dad walks
you to school because you are both in the same
grade.
Your wife has a
beer belly and you find it attractive.
You go
Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and
girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You are still
holding on to Confederate money because you
think the South will rise again.
You consider
pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have to go
down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate
in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest
contest".
You roll you
hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You consider a
three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a
plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a
sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack
hanging in your truck.
You think the
Mountain Men in deliverance were just
"Misunderstood".
You've ever
made change in the offering plate.
If the fifth
grade is referred to as "your senior year".
You consider a
good tan to be the back of your neck and the
left arm below the shirt sleeve...
You own at
least 20 baseball hats.
You know of at
least six different ways to bend the bill of a
baseball hat.
You can change
the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run
out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
Three quarters
of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
You have 5 cars
that are immobile and a house that isn't!
Your gene pool
doesn't have a "deep end".
Your `huntin
dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him
around in.
You'd rather
catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
You have a
Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
You think that
safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
You own more
cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to
a funeral and there were more pick-ups than
cars.
You have a
picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis
over your fireplace.
You just bought
an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four
or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
The theme song
at your high school prom was `Friends in Low
Places'.
It's easier to
spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You've ever
climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to
defend your sister's honor.
Your idea of
talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming,
baby!"
Your vehicle
has a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer
gray.
The tobacco
chewers in your family aren't just men.
Ya have to
check in the bottom yer shoe for change so you
can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.
Foreplay
consists of slipping off her saddle.
Ya can't get
married to your sweetheart cause there is a law
against it.
You celebrate
groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
You've been on
TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a
tornado.
You fish in
your above-ground pool, especially if you catch
something!
When a sign
that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull
up your jeans.
Helping your
cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place
consists of taking the wheels off his
doublewide.
Your beer can
collection is considered a tourist attraction in
your home town.
You wake up
with both a black eye and a hickey.
Getting a
package from your post office requires a full
tank of gas in the truck.
"Buck Naked
Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies
Night" at the local bar.
Your wife wants
to stop at the gas station to see if they've got
the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your
daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to
tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing
"I Will Always Love You".
Dolly Parton
reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'.
Your Momma
would rather go to the racetrack than the
Kennedy Center.
The most
serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway
Twitty record collection.
You actually
made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight
with Alan Jackson.
You have spent
more on your pickup truck than on your
education.
You've ever hit
a deer with your car... on purpose!
You can tell
your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your mom gives
you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting
events.
You've ever
parked a Camero in a tree.
Exxon and
Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is
also your favorite uncle.
You own more
than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You've ever
yelled "Rock the house Bubba!" during a piano
recital.
You were taught to put your underwear on yellow
in front, brown behind.
You buy two CB radios so you can talk to
yourself.
|
